"I'm moving on. At last I can see, Life has been patiently waiting for me."

“I once was lost, but now I’m found. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.” I heard this song last night and it awoke something in me. It has been awhile since I last updated this blog. Carter turned 3, summer vacation began and somewhere in it all, I lost my way. I was struggling with, well, everything. I was losing my faith in the GAPS diet. After numerous doctors telling me that the reason he wasn’t growing and gaining was simply because I wasn’t feeding him correctly. They threw formula at me, brushing aside my concern about it nearly killing him and telling me that if I wanted him to grow, this was my only option, that or a TPN (Feeding through an IV tube) They were trying to scare me, and it worked.

I stopped calling friends, for fear that they would recognize instantly in my voice that everything was not “Alright”, as I so often told them. I was overwhelmed and lost and scared. We tried to introduce some old safe foods, for Carter. Some failed horribly, while others were a nice addition. They didn’t follow the GAPS stages strictly, but they were GAPS legal foods. We learned the hard way thorugh stolen food, that corn was a big negative for Carter as well, a food he practically lived on through the second year of his life.

On top of all of that was the constant fear of another impaction. In June he was x-rayed again and it showed that he was yet again impacted. I felt like I had failed him. The GI doctor wanted him on Miralax, and a high dose too. Miralax is essentially plastic that the body can’t digest. He was a little boy with a super sensitive GI tract and they wanted him on plastic?!? For the next 6 months to a year to help retrain his intestines to move stool through. I hated the idea, but what choice did I have? The fear was paralyzing. I knew GAPS had a constipation protocol, but it would take time. And I wasn’t sure we had that. So we started the Miralax balancing act. Too much and he got stomach spasms and pain, too little and didn’t pass much, although he tried and tried. And cried.

Just when I thought my plate was too full and I couldn’t possibly take another step, I was thrown an incredibly painful and scary curve ball. My oldest son, who is 6, began to have worsening behavioral issues. It made FPIES seem like a walk along a beautiful sunlit beach. I spent countless hours researching and reading. We were either at the doctor or on the phone with one, every single day. It was a living nightmare for everyone in our home. It made struggles with food seem so trivial and unimportant. I just wanted everyone to be happy again.

As we worked through this new obstacle, my guilt over Carter began to lessen. I took some of the great advice I had received and positive feedback from others and took some big steps to help Carter’s impaction issues without Miralax. We introduced fermented coconut water and apple cider vinegar. There were improvements right away and signs that I was doing the right thing for Carter, even if the doctors didn’t agree. He is still on the Miralax, but I am hoping it is on it’s way out.

We survived through this chaos and I believe we are a better family for it. Our marriage is stronger and our lives are fuller. I set out this summer vacation with so many expectations, so many things I wanted to do for our family. Life had other plans for me, for all of us.

With school less than 2 weeks away, I’ve started to pull myself back up. I no longer feel numb and overwhelmed. I am truly excepting my life, with it’s imperfections. I am allowing myself to fail without guilt and to start anew every morning. And I am reminded that I am not alone in this, even when it’s literally impossible to leave the house.

http://motherhealer.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-beautiful-act-of-cleaning-broth-pot.html
An amazing blog post from a fellow GAPS mom, whom I have never met, who helped me see the joy in making that much dreaded broth.

And those moments when all 3 of my little wonders are laughing and giggling, well their noise is infectious and I’m allowing myself to slow down and giggle too.