Redefining Relax

Relax by definition means: Make or become less tense or anxious or Rest or engage in an enjoyable activity so as to become less tired or anxious (Dictionary.Com)

I have lost the ability to relax. It is not the everyday household chores. It is not the specialized cooking. It isn’t even the care required for 3 growing boys. I know that there will always be something to do. It is part of the package, but my mind cannot let the ever present fear of FPIES rest.

My two youngest were napping earlier and I was sitting at the computer trying to learn more about FPIES, trying to stay one step ahead. I don’t want to miss something important that could help Carter. I don’t want to take a misstep and set him back either.  There is always something I can learn from other moms, articles, research and Carter himself.  Looking back on Carter’s history, there were so many signs trying to point the way, signs that I missed. I don’t want to miss them again.

I am always waiting for the next wall, the next stumbling block, the next wave to hit. Carter just needs to catch a break. Unfortunately the break he caught was a broken arm. He has been struggling with his speech and the ability to communicate, and now this little independent boy is struggling to do things himself. He is now learning a new word, Help. Help to get on the couch. Help to eat his food. Help to drink his cup. Help to carry his toys. Help to get down from the chair. He has returned to screaming and hitting when he is upset or unable to verbalize his needs. We have a speech evaluation on Thursday and I hope that they are able to guide us and give Carter some relief.

Everyone has their limit, Carter included. I worry so much that Carter will finally encounter an obstacle he cannot overcome, the one that keeps the smile from returning to his sweet face.  I am hopeful that together Carter and I can learn to ride the next wave, and the next, and the next. And maybe it's time to redefine the meaning of the word Relax.